A Grief Observed

It was her anguished sobs that shook me to the core.

It's been at least a week since the premature delivery happened to Phne. Ellen and I intuitively knew that things were amiss when she failed to respond promptly to our message that we'd be late for our lunch appointment that day.

When the premature birth happened, I was told that she was all alone at home. At 23 weeks, Mattheus was too weak to survive outside his mum's womb.

What really hit me and caused so many of us to break into sobs was her anguished crying. She refused to open her eyes and all she did was to lie in bed and sob as the nurses tended to her. She wouldn't wipe her tears and as we prayed, many of us were seen wiping away our tears too. She looked so pale and small in the bed.

Mart looked very tired and pale. Undoubtedly so, as he had to handle the mundane affairs of death, while still grieving and caring for a distraught wife. Obtaining a death cert, arranging for the cremation service etc. The event took a surreal turn (as Ellen pointed out) when the nurse came along and asked what would Phne like for lunch the next day.

And time marches on, despite grief, sorrow and mourning.

Ellen blogged about the sadness of it all. The unbelievable termination of what we thought would be a full-term and uneventful pregnancy. I could still remember Phne craving for a midnight prata and teh tarik after cell group (it was after 11 pm) and all of us gamely trooped to the stall to makan with her. It was the first time in ages that we saw her having a good appetite. And her tummy is growing - certainly a sign that all things are well.

And now this.

Many of us were still reeling from the shock and fumbling for answers. What really made me realise how firm the Tans' faith was, was when Mart wrote an email saying that while there were no answers right now, he and Phne would have faith to ask God when they see Him face to face. And to welcome their son whom they barely knew.

Nobody likes tragedies, not when it's so seemingly senseless. While we humans fail to see why, this is the time when faith comes into the picture. It is so hard to see a bad thing like this happen to good folks like them.

Ellen wondered at the surrealness of the whole incident. While they are grieving, life goes on. I do think that the good thing about life is that while there is a time for sadness and mourning, there is also a season for joy and happiness. It is a good thing, for if life doesn't go on, they would still be stuck in their grief, and recovery will be a distant possibility.

I pray that He will fill their hearts with His peace that the world can't understand, His love, His strength, His comfort.

Mourning about one's loss is a very odd process. At times you are better, at times you sink into the deepest valleys of depression. However, one day, the pain will lessen, as hope, faith and peace take over.

I pray that as they head off to Australia to recuperate and pray, they'll come home refreshed and strengthened when it's time to come home. We'll miss them, but time and space are what they need right now.

Stinging Sensation

Blame it on Sting for turning me into a 18 year old screaming groupie.

Went to a 1 night only Sting concert on 10 Jan, courtesy of Jo, who got it for me as a birthday gift. It was really a dream come true for me to watch him perform live. I wanted to watch him when I was in London last May, when he was touring and performing at Royal Albert Hall. Tickets were GBP 60 for the cheapest seats in the house. But that has to be scuttled. Ah well...

Freddie was saying that he had watched Sting perform live and boy, was he good (Sting, not Freddie I mean). From then on, I was harbouring a wish to attend his concert... Jo saw the one page ad and quickly booked tickets to the show as a gift.

When Sting came on stage, he was greeted with a deafening roar. It was sensational and awesome to see the entire Indoor Stadium filled up. Sting is a consummate performer and I simply marveled at his deft hand in commanding the stage and the audience. His voice is still as strong as ever, the songs, beautifully haunting, and the energy of his playing, absolutely sensational...

Right from the very first song, to the rousing Englishman in New York and Message in a Bottle , melancholic Fragile, cool guitar riffs in Brand New Day and Shape of My Heart, the audience got onto their feet. Dancing. Even me (whom I have 2 left feet). Jo was busy clapping and whistling and screaming his lungs out.

2 encores were of course, expected, as I shouted myself hoarse. Desert Rose and the perennial Every Breath You Take were next, sealing Sting's reputation as a rock rebel and proponent of world music. While detractors think that he has sold out his rock rebel roots by experimenting into R & B and using new instruments and arrangements such as tablas and Middle Eastern rhythms, I think it goes to show how inventive he could be. (Sorry lah... I'm a die-hard fan and see his music as good.)

When he closed the night with my favourite song, A Thousand Years, the lyrics echoed so soulfully, "Do you love me?"

Needless to say, he knew what the audience's answer was.

The New Beginning Has Begun

I tendered today from my job of 4 years and 11 months.

It was too long a time. GM's announcement of transfering me laterally to membership department to clean up the mess there, is but just an affirmation of what God has placed in my heart since Dad passed away. To leave and seek greener pastures...

Really, it's just many steps leading and affirming a decision that I know the Lord has wanted me to make.

On Christmas Eve, Jenny my boss gave me the 40 Days of Purpose book. Although I have the book as part of the church programme, re-reading my gift reminded me that I need to always at all times, maintain and develop the 5 purposes in my life. My job currently is draining my life and my heart and love for living life to the fullest. I feel so upset that sometimes I will refuse to eat, other times, felt very frustrated and unhappy. So unhappy that I thought why can't some people just live and let live, and other less charitable thoughts.

However, over Christmas I was reading Joshua Chapter 1. It was an account of how Joshua, after Moses and the rest of his gang had died in the wilderness, was commanded by God to go forth into the land of promise. The interesting thing is that Joshua was told to "get ready, lead his people, and go into what is already promised to the Israelites" by God. The Lord affirmed it many times in these accounts that He Himself will always be with the Israelites, just only be obedient and be strong and courageous.

I thought, "What a powerful God!And how awesome!". During the first weekend service at church, Joshua 1:9 was the Lord's clarion call to Riverlifers. After a good deal of weeping during the church communion (can't remember why though), I went away feeling very peaceful.

Abigail emailed me from NAC and we fell to talking about jobs. She has just moved over from NUS and was enjoying her work. I told her how unhappy I was and asked her for available positions. Surprisingly, she encouraged me to be bold and courageous and I need to discern if right now, I'm in a season whereby the Promised Land is already in front of me, it's just that I've yet to set my foot on it and go forward and claim it.

I found it remarkable that so many people seem to be reading and telling me about Joshua. Certainly not a mere coincidence. That very night I was reading it and realised that disobedience by Moses and gang led to a heavy price to be paid - they did not get to even enter into His promise. I was in fact wondering when quite is the right time to tender, until the next day GM broke the news to me.

What do I go from here then?

In all my time searching for a job (while holding on to this one), I was never successful. I was telling Ellen and Jo and wondered if I need to trust God by going without one first, and for Him to provide.

It seems like now this is the case. GM's announcement and refusal to increase my pay, title and yet wanting me to do more goes only to show that my interests are not safeguarded anymore. If I'm expendable, I'm not sure what is going to happen in the future. More work? More portfolios at same pay?

But to be honest, there's this wonderful realisation that I had, that indeed, God has given me a signal (very very clear this time) to go and to trust Him for providence.

Lord, I commit my unknown future into Your hands, whom I know and declare Your faithfulness and love towards me. Like the Hokkien song - indeed, hold my hand.