Half Afraid

That's what I'm experiencing right now.

It struck me that this journey of mine is going to reveal a lot about me than I care to admit. I'm quite afraid to see what that would be.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that the trip was something I shouldn't do. Revelation necessitates action.

It's just that I want to clap my hands over my ears, my ears to shut it out.

I can't. I won't. That's a coward's way of living. I've been fleeing from what I know was true, all along.

To come out of my comfort zone. To heal. To try again in two primary areas of my life.

Kat said that I must go forth with conviction and that it will be very different this time. It can turn out sweet.

I mustn't be taken as an emotional hostage by what happened the last time, such that I'm plagued with memories of a sad homecoming replaying again in my wretched mind. Ben and Kingsley were very concerned and over lunch, even Christine saw how my face looked downcast whenever my last trip was mentioned.

Well, at the very least, I'll just go with the flow and enjoy a hard-earned break. At the most, a fulfillment of something that He has for me.

I am afraid, yet, I will trust. I have to expect great things from Him.

It's all that I've got, being what I am. I have nothing to lose.

Nothing. :)